Twenty-Sixth Sunday in Ordinary Time
Fr. Anthony Brankin
If you read anything in the newspapers or internet the last few weeks, you cannot help but to have read about the forthcoming Synod on the Family as well as changes that the Pope has made regarding the process of Catholic annulments. Now I do not wish to talk about the Synod or annulments—but I would think that Catholics need a good spiritual foundation regarding marriage. It is foolish to think that we can help families and help married people without knowing what we are talking about. In other words—how can the bishops talk about getting out of marriage when they have failed to teach effectively what it takes to get into it. And because of this failure to teach about marriage and family, then everyone gets the impression that somehow all the elements that make for a happy and successful marriage are somehow an insuperable burden. They give the impression that the things that make a marriage work and function happily and successfully—like faithfulness and no divorce and children—are somehow what make marriage too difficult and harsh. No. That’s what makes marriage a joy and family a delight. Ok.
So if the synod is only going to talk about non-marriage and non-family relationships, I guess it is up to us at the parish level to talk about the family. Let’s get to it. First off—family starts with marriage. Now the Church defines marriage as the agreement between a man and a woman which establishes a partnership ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of children—and that makes for a family. Two people having relations makes children—not a family. But when they bring the male-female relationship all under the commitment and love and responsibility of marriage—that makes it a family. So it is marriage that makes a family. This is marriage in general and it is for everyone. When two baptized people make this covenant, it is raised to the dignity of a sacrament.
Marriage is natural and supernatural
You will notice that marriage in itself is not restricted to Catholics. Marriage has existed from before the Catholic Church even came into existence. It is a natural relationship which exists even for those who are not baptized. And it is in this way that the Catholic Church can have something to say about it. The Church is not restricted to only discussing sacraments—but She is more than competent to teach about marriage. When couples come to see me about anything—Baptisms, Quinces, even Weddings, I usually enquire as to whether or not they are married. And if not I ask why not since Marriage is simply—and profoundly—a man and woman swearing before God that they will take care of each other and their children for the rest of their lives. And if they cannot swear to that—if they cannot promise that they will be there for the other one and the children they beget—what is the point of them living together?
By their refusal to swear their lives to each other, this young man and woman are only laying the foundation for later tears and heartache and family misery. We can be confident that this man and woman will have children whether or not they are married—but we can also be confident that only if they are married with the proper intentions will they have a chance of a happy family. Now—right off the bat—Catholics are obliged by the laws of the Catholic Church to be married before a priest and two witnesses. That’s the form of marriage—And Catholics must follow that form. Catholics are not allowed to be married by judges or lawyers or ministers. If Catholics get married in court—they are still unmarried—they are not sort of married or half-married. They need to do this marriage thing before God and not lawyers.
If that is the form—then what is the heart of marriage? Well marriage—and this goes for non-Catholics as well— consists of three elements—three intentions that must be present—or there is no marriage. These three intentions are: firstly that the man and woman must intend to be faithful to each other; secondly they must intend that their relationship be permanent and for life; and thirdly they must give the right to have children to their spouse. This is the heart of the covenant—the contract—the agreement we call marriage. And it is universally applicable to everyone.
The nature of marriage
Lets take these apart one by one and see how beautiful is our teaching about marriage. If Marriage is faithful that means that a man and a woman must first of all intend that their love for each other is exclusive—of all others. It means that from the moment of the marriage forward—there will be no other person who can take their affections or their bodies. It is that simple. A faithful marriage of course makes for emotional stability for the man and woman. Faithfulness provides them the peace of soul and the comfort that this one to whom they have pledged their love—will be there for them—and at their side—no matter what. Faithfulness helps husbands and wives create a serene and focused relationship so that when children come into that faithful home, they can be raised in a home where love and care and concern is shared intensely by all the members of that family. In a faithful home, the children are secure because there is no danger of betrayal and deceit and collapse. Faithfulness is as much about the needs of the children as it is about the needs of the man and woman. And we must never forget that.
That brings us to the second element of marriage: Permanence. This means that a man and a woman promise, pledge, vow and swear that they will be together for life—and no conditions attached—for better or for worse—for richer or for poorer—in sickness and in health. No prospect of divorce. No pre-nuptial agreements—only the promise—that when a problem arises—we will solve it. But you can see how “permanence” the pledge and guarantee of a life-long relationship is part of a Divine plan for healthy family life. This grappling with personal problems and issues only makes for a deeper love—and in time will be seen by the elderly couple as its own reward. It is just as crucial for children to be raised in a home where there is no such thing as “divorce.” They can be confident that their Dad is always going to be there—their Mom is always going to be there. When there is no Sword of Damocles hanging over every ones head—children are happier and healthier—because they know they will always have a place and it is called home. They feel cherished by their mother and protected by their father. They have a sense of belonging and security that will make them strong—healthy, loving fathers and mothers themselves. I will ask couples who are on the verge of divorce ,“How specifically will the lives of your children be made better by you splitting up?” How will it improve things for them?” They cannot say—because it doesn’t help—just ask the child what he or she would have preferred.
The third element of a true marriage is the intention to have children. When a couple marry—and again—this means even non-Catholics who get married in court—they must give the right to the other person to have children. If a couple were to say to each other—either individually or mutually—that they are not ready for children—and maybe they don’t even want them—and are determined to use birth control until they are ready—but still demand relations— there is no marriage. The ultimate purpose of marriage is the begetting of children. Marriage is a human reality created by God for the continuation of the Human race. Face it—it is primarily about Children (and we have seen how even fidelity and permanence is also about children). To deny that the marital act and therefore the marital bond is ordered toward the begetting of children is to falsify the meaning of marriage. It separates love from life. It cheapens love—and makes sex only about sex. That actually is how we got to gay marriage—because the proponents of gay marriage say that marriage is only about emotional satisfaction and bodily pleasure—and not children. If marriage is only about pleasure, then I guess, anything goes. If the conception of children is removed from the definition of marriage you may have a lot of things—but you don’t have marriage.
So to summarize: Marriage is between a man and a woman who promise pledge vows and swear (and if they are Catholic they must do it in front of a priest and two witnesses) that they will be for each other exclusively and for life and for the purpose of having children. It is that simple. That heartfelt. And if couples were to understand those ideas and live them seriously at the beginning of their married lives, then there would be so many happier families than we have now. Synod fathers should be most concerned about teaching the basics of marriage, about faithfulness, permanence and children. In that way they can help immeasurably the health of our families. That might give them more than enough work to do.